


And The Land Is Ours

by likezoinxman



Series: A Rush and a Push [2]
Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Angst, M/M, Stupid Boys, Underaged Drinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-18
Updated: 2013-06-18
Packaged: 2017-12-15 08:51:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/847614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/likezoinxman/pseuds/likezoinxman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James is desperate to fix his friendship with Logan after their night together but no matter what he does, he only seems to make things worse and Logan...Logan doesn't really know <em>what</em> he wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jaded_jane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaded_jane/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush. This never happened. All characters and persons involved in this belong to their respective owners, either themselves or someone that isn't me. 
> 
> Dedicated to J. Without her, this would still be sitting in my docs collecting dust. ♥ 
> 
> Self-beta'd sorry for any mistakes >.>

James woke up with a pounding in his skull. He let out a low miserable groan, and rolled over, pulling the blankets over his head, and burying his face in his pillow. The movement caused his stomach to roil, and he stopped, body held stiff as he inhaled sharply. He swallowed dryly, suddenly thirsty, and tried not to move too much. 

If he stayed perfectly still maybe he’d be okay.

As he shifted subtly, trying to get comfortable again, he noticed a twinge in his lower back and across his shoulders. Even his neck felt a little stiff, like he’d had it at an awkward angle. He frowned, and shuffled around a bit more under the blankets, taking in all the small aches and pains.

What the hell did he do last night?

As soon as the question crossed his mind, he suddenly remembered. He remembered drinking and Logan dragging him to the car. He remembered climbing into the backseat and tugging Logan closer and closer. And he remembered more harshly the blank look on Logan’s face when James had drunkenly confessed, in his own way, his feelings for the other boy.

He let out another groan, this one having nothing to do with the pounding in his skull, and wished he could crawl into a hole somewhere and die. He pulled his pillow over over his head and figured that was a good enough alternative for the moment.

He was just waiting for death to take him when he heard the door open. He peeked out of his blanket to see who it was. He was hoping it was Logan. He didn’t know why. The thought of seeing Logan right then had his heart pounding, and his face flushing in embarrassment. 

He also felt a little queasy, but that was probably just the hangover.

But luckily - or unluckily, James couldn’t decide - Carlos was the one that walked through the door, and James relaxed under the blankets once more.

“Hey, James, you awake yet?” Carlos asked softly. 

James didn’t say anything, hoping that Carlos would just go away if he stayed quiet.

“James?” Carlos spoke a little louder. The sound was like a jab to James’ brain, and if James could move, he’d get up and hit Carlos. Instead he just lay very still, breathing deeply to keep his stomach from betraying him.

“James!”

James almost jumped at the unexpected yell. He pulled the blankets off, and pushed himself up onto his elbows to glare at Carlos, ignoring the throbbing pain in his head. “Fuck, man! If someone doesn’t answer you it means they’re asleep!”

“But you’re not,” Carlos pointed out, blinking at James guilelessly.

“That’s not the point!”

Carlos suddenly frowned, bottom lip protruding slightly. “Don’t get mad at me just because you don’t know when to stop drinking!”

James groaned, and flopped back onto the bed, rolling over onto his stomach. “Please, just stop talking…” he mumbled into his pillow.

Carlos sat down on the edge of his bed, and rubbed James’ back. “Logan told Mrs. Knight that you weren’t feeling well this morning, and you needed to rest. But she’s ready to come up with some medicine if you don’t get up soon.”

And okay, James felt like a bit of a jerk for yelling now that he knew Carlos was just looking out for him, but the only thing he could focus on was Logan. He twisted his neck to look over his shoulder at Carlos.

“Where _is_ Logan?”

Carlos shrugged. “He went out this morning.”

“Where?”

“Dunno. He didn’t say, just told me to bring you some water and aspirin when you woke up, and to not let Mrs. Knight know that you’re hungover.”

“Oh.” James didn’t know if he should feel touched that Logan was looking out for him, or hurt that Logan wasn’t there to take care of him. He smiled gratefully anyway when Carlos handed him the bottle of water and two small, white pills.

After swallowing them down and drinking more than half of the water, he flopped back down on his bed, arm thrown across his face. Carlos laughed, and poked him in the thigh. “So, what happened last night? Logan wouldn’t say but he was acting weird.”

James sighed. “I really don’t want to talk about it…”

“So, something _did_ happen? Did you throw up on him or something?”

James couldn’t help but laugh before he groaned in pain, rolling over onto his side. “No, I didn’t throw up on him,” he said, miserably. 

“Then what?”

James sighed, wondering if he should tell Carlos. He wasn’t sure how Carlos would react. It probably wouldn’t matter to him in the long run, but James wanted to keep it to himself for a little bit longer either way. 

“It’s none of your business.”

Carlos pouted slightly. “Whatever. It’s probably something lame anyway,” he said and bounced to his feet. “You better get up. Mrs. Knight said she was going to check on you soon if you didn’t.”

James let out another groan, and sighed, letting his arm slide off his face. “Alright. I’m getting up.”

Carlos stood there expectantly, but James stayed where he was. “Well?”

“I’m working on it!”

Carlos laughed then reached forward to grab James by the arm. “Come on, man. You know how scary Kendall’s mom can be when she thinks one of us is sick,” he said, tugging James into a sitting position.

James let out another answering groan as he was pulled to his feet. He stumbled forward a few steps but Carlos was there to grab him. He sighed and draped his arm over Carlos’ shoulder, and leaning practically all of his weight on Carlos, they headed towards the bathroom together.

—

After taking a long hot shower, James almost felt normal again. He settled on the couch and texted Logan, asking where he was. He held his phone in both hands down in his lap and stared down at it, waiting for Logan’s reply.

He wanted to talk about the night before and not just about them fucking but after too, when James had tried to tell Logan how he felt without actually saying it. Logan wasn’t dumb. He had to have known what James was trying to say and his refusal to even acknowledge James’ words was probably his way of letting James down easy.

It was fine if Logan didn’t feel the same way, but James didn’t want it to ruin their friendship. He hadn’t been thinking that far ahead the night before. He had just _wanted_ and hadn’t been able to stop himself from _taking_ , not caring about the consequences. But now he felt anxious and worried about what would happen next.

He sighed softly and when Logan didn’t reply to his text after several minutes, he sent another. 

_Where are you?_

After a few more minutes of silence, he was starting to get impatient. _Logan?_

Again, he got nothing back and he let out a frustrated sigh. _At least let me know ur not dead_

A couple minutes passed before his phone finally vibrated with a response. _I’m not dead_

James huffed out a small laugh despite himself. He shook his head as his fingers skittered across his phone. _When will u b back_

_Is it really so hard to type the full word?_

The corner of James’ mouth quirked up. He could practically see Logan’s annoyed expression. _Yes and don’t change the subject, When are you coming home?_

_Later_

_We need to talk_

_Later_

James made a small noise of annoyance and scowled lightly down at the reply before he tossed his phone to the side. It bounced slightly before settling on the cushion beside him.

It wasn’t really surprising that Logan was avoiding him. James knew he needed time to figure out how he felt about everything. Or maybe he was trying to figure out a way of letting James down easy. Or maybe he just hated James now for not being able to control himself and their friendship was ruined forever.

Panic had his heart racing at that last thought and James shook his head, trying to physically clear it of all thoughts. He should really wait until he was able to talk to Logan before he started to freak out about anything.

He quickly grabbed the remote and turned the TV on, deciding to distract himself with bad reality TV until Logan got back. He kept glancing at his phone though, fingers twitching to text Logan again, tell him to come back home so they can talk _now_. 

He somehow managed to control himself, knowing that Logan would only ignore his texts anyway. He sighed and crossed his arms, resolutely keeping his eyes fixed on the television.

Further distraction came in the form of Carlos bouncing into the apartment a few minutes later, two smoothies in hand and a grin on his face. It was only then that James even noticed that Carlos had been missing.

“Hey, James! I brought you a smoothie to cheer you up!”

James couldn’t help but smile as he took the offered smoothie. “Thanks, man,” he said, holding the cool beverage in both hands in his lap. He sighed softly, smile slipping from his face as he swiped his thumb across the condensation on the cup.

Carlos frowned as he sat down next to him on the couch. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” James said and shook his head. He didn’t want to talk to Carlos about it, he didn’t want to talk to anybody except Logan.

He watched Carlos purse his lips out of the corner of his eye. He could tell that Carlos wanted to press the issue but didn’t know how. “Is it about Logan?” Carlos finally asked tentatively, but curious.

James sighed and glanced at Carlos quickly before he fixed his gaze back on the drink in his hands. “Yeah, but I really don’t want to talk about it.”

There was another long silence and James thought that Carlos was actually going to let the subject drop. But of course, Carlos was too stubborn for that. “So, what happened between you two?”

James shot Carlos an annoyed look. “I said, I didn’t want to talk about it,” he snapped harsher than he intended.

Carlos’ pursed his lips and James knew he wanted to get angry and annoyed at James. “Fine, whatever,” he said after a tense moment of silence. “Want to play video games, then?”

James sighed, shoulders heaving with the movement. He knew he shouldn’t take his frustration with Logan out on Carlos. It wasn’t fair to him, especially when he didn’t know what was going on. 

“Sure, why not…”

—

“We slept together.”

The words were out before he could stop them, an apology of sorts for snapping at Carlos earlier, but it was also a release. It made him feel just a little better to say it out loud to somebody. Made it more real and not just something he dreamed up.

He heard the controller fall from Carlos’ grasp and used the opportunity to kill Carlos’ character before turning towards Carlos warily.

“What? Who did?”

James sighed and with shaky hands set his controller down beside him on the couch before he turned fully towards Carlos. “Me and Logan.”

Carlos blinked, eyes widening impossibly further. Any other time, James would’ve laughed but his heart was pounding almost painfully in his chest and it took all his concentration to breathe properly.

“Wh-when?”

James cleared his throat and licked his lips quickly, averting his gaze. “Last night. On our way home. We pulled over and fucked in the backseat,” he said, glancing at Carlos to catch his reaction.

Carlos’ eyebrow twitched and he blinked rapidly. He sat back on the couch in shock before he sat forward again almost instantly. “But you and Logan? I didn’t know you two-”

“We’re not,” James cut him off quickly. He didn’t want to think about words like ‘together’ and ‘in love’. He wanted it though. He wanted to be with Logan. He just didn’t want to get his hopes up, especially not after the way Logan had reacted the night before or how he brushed off James’ texts.

“But…then why?”

James pressed his lips together tightly, thinking about the question. He took a deep breath then chuckled humorlessly. “Because I was drunk and it was _Logan_ and I don’t know. It just seemed like a good idea at the time,” he said with a stiff shrug of his shoulders.

Carlos sat back again and let out a _whoosh_ of a sigh. “So, is that why he was acting all weird this morning?”

James shrugged again. “I guess.”

“Are you two together now or something?”

James tensed slightly at the word then sighed. “No.”

“But you want to,” Carlos said, frowning slightly like he wasn’t sure if he was asking or stating a fact.

James chuckled and gave Carlos a wry smile. “Doesn’t matter.”

Carlos frowned at his answer. “Yes, it does. Do you like him, then? Like, _like him_ like him?”

James sighed and slumped down on the couch. “I don’t know. Maybe…” he said, but he knew.

He definitely liked Logan. He didn’t think he could ever really describe how he felt about Logan. He just made James better. Logan made him feel better, made him want to _be_ better. And when he _wasn’t_ and Logan gave him that look or let out that tiny sigh or shook his head, it made James want to try _harder_. Every little smile sent his way had his heart racing. And everything Logan did made James smile, even when he was being an obnoxious know-it-all.

If that wasn’t like then James didn’t know what was.

—

They spent the rest of the afternoon playing video games until Logan came home just before dinner. James looked up and caught Logan’s eye briefly before Logan ducked his head down and hurried off to his room. James jumped to his feet, tossing the controller on the couch next to Carlos and bounded after him.

He caught up with Logan right as he ran into the room and slammed the door shut. James stopped short and blinked at the door before he reached forward and grabbed the doorknob, twisting it as he pushed. He was met with resistance that could only mean that Logan was pushing up against the door.

“Logan, open up.”

“I’m busy, James.”

“We need to talk.”

“No, we don’t.”

James sighed, mouth pressed into a firm line and pushed against the door. “Stop being stupid and let me in.” He shook the doorknob and pushed harder. The door opened a few centimeters before slamming shut again.

“Just go away!”

James didn’t bother replying. He pressed his shoulder against the door and pushed with all of his strength. At first the door didn’t budge then there was a small back and forth struggle as Logan pushed back. He could hear Logan grunting on the other side with the effort of keeping the door closed.

“Oh my god,” James muttered and let out a huff of exasperation. Logan was being ridiculous. That was usually his job and he wondered if this was how Logan felt about him on a regular basis. He shook his head to clear it and gritted his teeth, putting all his weight into pushing against the door.

Suddenly, it swung open and he stumbled in, eyes wide as he tried to catch his balance before he ended up in a sprawl on the ground. Logan hadn’t been so lucky James noticed and he watched as the other boy quickly scrambled to his feet.

Logan swiped his hands down his thighs and pulled down his shirt roughly to remove any wrinkles before he spun around to glare at James. “What do you want?”

James didn’t let Logan’s clipped tone bother him. “I already told you. I want to talk,” he said, taking a deep breath. He walked further into the room and shut the door.

Logan’s eyes widened slightly and he looked panicked for a split second before his brows furrowed in annoyance. “About what?”

James rolled his eyes, his mouth twisting slightly in derision. “What do you think? Last night,” he said then took a quick breath. “Logan-”

Logan cut him off with a quick shake of his head, hand coming up to stop him from talking. “There’s nothing to talk about. We had sex, end of discussion.”

James hesitated a moment, looking at Logan intently. Logan’s expression was closed off and he couldn’t tell what he was thinking and that was unusual because James was always able to figure out what Logan was feeling. It put him off a little but he refused to back down.

“You can’t tell me last night meant nothing to you,” he pressed cautiously.

Logan licked his lips quickly and he shook his head again. “It didn’t. It was a mistake, that’s all it was,” he said softly, turning his face away.

James flinched slightly at the words and he swallowed thickly, shaking his head in denial. “You’re lying.”

Logan turned back to James with a small exasperated sigh. “James…”

“No!” He couldn’t believe that. He _wouldn’t_. It didn’t matter that he’d been setting himself up for this all day, there had still been that small glimmer of hope that Logan would feel something for James.

“I _know_ you. You wouldn’t just sleep with me if you didn’t feel anything. That’s not how you are,” he argued. If he didn’t know anything else, he knew Logan. Logan didn’t do one-night stands or casual sex. He had _relationships_ and _feelings_. James refused to believe that their night together was any different.

“It’s not like you gave me much of a choice!”

Again, it was like Logan’s words were a slap to the face. James took a deep breath and leveled Logan with a steady look. “If you really wanted me to stop, you would’ve stopped me.”

Logan took a deep breath and looked away. “James, please. I’ve been out all day. I’m tired and hungry. Can we not talk about this right now?”

“Then when?” He took a step forward as he spoke. It was a challenge of a sort.

One Logan apparently wasn’t ready to meet because he turned his face away again and sighed heavily. “I don’t know. Just later…please?”

Logan looked up at him pleadingly and James sagged in defeat. He looked away and nodded in resignation. He’d never been able to say no to Logan when he looked at James like that. “Fine. Whatever you want.”

Logan gave him a short, forced smile and quickly ducked out of the room. James watched him go and blinked rapidly, suddenly feeling like he’d made a mistake. He lifted a hand to run it through his hair but stopped when he realized it was shaking. He stared at it for a moment before he let it drop back to his side and shoved both hands into his pockets.

If Logan wanted to wait until later to talk, then that’s what they’d do.

—

Except later never came and James grew increasingly more frustrated as each day passed and Logan continued to avoid him.

It was actually ridiculous how easy it was for Logan to avoid James considering they both lived and worked together, but somehow Logan managed it. He was gone by the time James woke up and didn’t come home until dinner time, sometimes not even then. Then he’d do everything in his power to not be in the same room with James for any length of time.

When they were needed at the studio, he always managed to keep one or both of their friends between them while they recorded and when they were on break, Logan stuck close to Kendall’s side, much to James’ irritation.

It hurt more than James would ever admit to have someone he’d been so close to suddenly barely acknowledging his presence. More than that, it pissed him off. The least Logan could do was talk to him, acknowledge what happened between them and hopefully let James explain his feelings for him.

He refused to believe that Logan didn’t feel anything for him. Not because he was _James Diamond_ but because they were _James and Logan_. They had grown so close since they’d moved to L.A., especially after Logan’s relationship with Kendall fell apart along with their friendship. They were fixing it and they were almost there but there were still moments when they didn’t know how to act around each other, awkward moments when Kendall would throw his arm around Logan’s shoulder carelessly and Logan would stiffen in surprise.

Which made seeing Logan suddenly spending all his time with Kendall again so annoying. Kendall seemed confused but pleased at having Logan’s attention once again but James knew he’d noticed the tension between him and Logan. Even Carlos was acting differently around Logan even though he’d promised James that he wouldn’t.

So, it was only a matter of time before Kendall started sticking his nose where it didn’t belong because he was Kendall fucking Knight and needed to know _everything_ that went on in his friends’ lives.

It finally happened at Rocque Records. James was still trying to figure out how to get Logan alone in their short allotted break time, Carlos had disappeared to find some food and Logan and Kendall were playing a game of foosball.

James watched from the couch, arms crossed and narrowed eyes focused on Logan, watching his every move.

“Ha! Beat you!”

James’ eyes flickered towards the triumphant Kendall before his gaze returned to Logan, who scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Logan muttered, a small grin spreading across his face. James clenched his jaw tight at the sight, jealousy surging through him.

“Who’s next?” Kendall looked around and spotted James. “James?”

James glanced at Kendall, trying not to glare because it wasn’t Kendall that James was mad at, not really. “I don’t want to,” he managed to grit out.

Kendall stared at him, brow wrinkling slightly in confusion before he shrugged and looked around. “Where’s Carlos?”

Logan cleared his throat softly and fidgeted. “Um, I think he said he was going to grab some food.”

“Oh,” Kendall said then turned to Logan, a challenging look on his face. “Want to play again?”

Logan chuckled but shook his head. “Actually, I was wondering if you could help me go over that dance routine we learned the other day?”

Kendall looked at Logan in surprise. “Yeah, sure. But why me? James knows it better than I do.”

James blinked and then he smiled. He could kiss Kendall, really he could, if it wouldn’t be weird and awkward and just plain gross anyway. He grinned at Logan when the other glanced at him, eyes wide and with a slight look of fear in them that had James’ grin slipping off his face.

“I don’t mind helping you out,” he offered, unfolding his arms and sitting forward on the couch.

Logan shook his head quickly. “Nah, I’m good. I’ll just ask Mr. X next time we’re rehearsing,” he said and averted his gaze, looking back towards Kendall. “So, you wanted to play again?”

James ground his teeth together, anger flaring up in him. He wanted to grab Logan and force him to look at him, shake him until Logan stopped acting like James didn’t mean anything to him.

He could feel Kendall watching them, one by one, out of the corner of his eye but James ignored him, eyes focused solely on Logan.

“What’s going on with you two?”

Logan looked up towards Kendall sharply before he turned to look at James. Their eyes caught and James tried to will Logan to not look away, but Logan turned away after a moment and James’ shoulder sagged slightly.

“N-nothing. It’s nothing,” Logan muttered, swallowing convulsively as he looked down at the foosball table, absently turning one of the knobs.

Nothing, James thought. That’s all he was to Logan now. He closed his hands into fists by his side, chest aching at the thought.

“There’s obviously something going on,” Kendall said and James finally looked away from Logan and stared Kendall down.

“It’s none of your business, Kendall,” he said forcefully. The last thing he wanted was for Kendall to get involved in this.

“It is if it’s affecting the band,” Kendall shot back, brows furrowed.

“It’s not. It won’t,” Logan interjected and looked at both of them before his gaze settled on Kendall. Kendall gave him a look and Logan continued, tone insistent. “It’s nothing. Right, James?”

He glanced at James imploringly and James wanted to argue because it wasn’t _nothing_. It was _important_ and they needed to talk about it. But he let out a sigh and looked away. 

“Yeah, right. It’s nothing.”

It was then that James realized that Logan was never going to be ready to talk and it was time to take matters into his own hands.

—

The plan was simple. Carlos would lure Logan up to their room and James would keep him in there until Logan finally talked to him. It was probably not a Kendall-worthy plan but it was good enough for James and if nothing else, he’d at least be able to get Logan alone for the first time in almost two weeks.

He looked down at his phone as it beeped with an incoming text from Carlos saying that he and Logan were on their way up. He quickly rushed up the slide and into his room. He left the door open slightly and listened as the other two boys walked into the apartment.

“Really, Carlos, how did you lose your helmet?”

“I don’t know! Just help me look for it.”

“Have you checked your room?”

“Um…no?”

James listened to Logan’s exasperated sigh and glanced over at Carlos’ bed, where his helmet was sitting. He heard them climbing up the swirly-slide and backed away into the corner. He didn’t need a door to the face on top of everything else.

The door swung open a few moments later and they both walked in. Logan stopped in the middle of the room and James edged closer to the door as quietly as he could.

Logan gestured to Carlos’ bed and sent the other boy an irritated look. “Look, it’s _right there_!”

“Oh! Awesome!” Carlos excitedly bounced over to his bed, grabbed his helmet, and plunked it on top of his head. “Thanks, Logan,” he said, grinning at Logan widely.

Logan grumbled something and James tried not to smile as Logan shook his head in aggravation.

Carlos only grinned wider at Logan, unfazed by his obvious annoyance and ran out of the room. As soon as Carlos was out, James sprang into action. He slammed the door shut and leaned against it, crossing his arms across his chest.

Logan had been turning around to leave but he stopped short, jumping lightly when the door slammed shut. “James!” He blinked rapidly at him then his brows furrowed. “What are you doing?”

“We need to talk, Logan and I’m not taking no for an answer this time,” James said quickly. He felt breathless and he took a deep breath to calm his thundering heart.

Logan’s brows furrowed again, annoyance written all over his face but James could also see something like fear in his eyes behind it. “No, we don’t,” he said brusquely and took a step forward in what was probably supposed to be an intimidating manner. He faltered at the last second though and ended up seeming unsure instead. “Move,” he demanded, voice shaking slightly.

James pressed his back further against the door and shook his head. “No.”

“Come on, move out of the way, James,” Logan said impatiently, grabbing James arm and trying to tug him away from the door.

James pulled back and stood his ground, shifting his feet apart slightly for more stability. “No. Not until you talk to me,” he growled out, and jerked his arm out of Logan’s grasp. He crossed them once more and stared Logan down.

Logan exhaled sharply and took a step back, crossing his arms as well. “This is really immature, you know that?” he said, glaring up at James.

James scoffed in disbelief and let his arms fall back to his sides. “And avoiding me like I have cooties or something isn’t? If you’d just stop and _talk_ to me, I wouldn’t have had to do this.”

“What’s there to talk about?”

James’ brows furrowed in annoyance. “Don’t play dumb. It doesn’t work for you.”

Logan sighed and looked away, shoulder sagging in defeat. “I was kind of hoping we could just drop it. We had sex. It didn’t mean anything. Why are you trying to make it such a big deal?”

“Was I that bad?” James meant for it to come out as a joke, nonchalant and amused, but the words were softly spoken, his voice coming out uncertain instead. He swallowed thickly, unable to take them back and start over and waited for Logan’s response.

Logan’s head snapped up and he stared at James wide-eyed. “What? No! That’s not it at all. It’s just- James, I’m not proud of that night.”

James’ brows furrowed slightly. “Why?”

Logan tensed, his body shaking slightly then he practically exploded, throwing his arms up. “Because I took advantage of you!”

James’ eyes widened in surprise. That was the last thing he expected Logan to say. He scoffed. “What? No, you didn’t. If anything I’m the one that took advantage of you.”

“You were drunk!”

“I wasn’t that drunk,” he shot back immediately. Even though he had been pretty drunk that night, he had still known what he was doing. If anything, him being drunk had only motivated his actions that night. He never would’ve had the courage to make a move otherwise.

“That doesn’t matter. You weren’t thinking straight. I might as well have held you down and raped you!”

James’ brows furrowed and he smirked slightly in amusement at Logan’s over-dramatic reaction. He thought _he_ was supposed to be the drama king. “Don’t be stupid. I was the one that forced you, remember?”

Logan shook his head, looking down. “I should’ve had more self-control.”

James stepped forward, placing a hand on Logan’s shoulder, gripping it tight as he gave Logan a little shake. “Logan, stop,” he said with a small sigh, knowing that they could go back and forth like this for hours without finding any kind of middle ground. Logan was too damn stubborn for his own good sometimes.

Logan kept his gaze down and James let out another sigh. “Look at me… _Please_ ,” he begged softly when Logan still refused.

Logan took a deep breath, entire body heaving with it and finally, reluctantly, lifted his gaze, looking up at James with a guarded expression.

“I wanted to have sex with you,” James started and noticed the way Logan’s cheeks tinged pink at his words. He couldn’t help but smile as he continued softly, “I _wanted_ you, Logan. I still do.”

Logan swallowed thickly and looked away briefly before his eyes returned to James. It was easy to see that he was confused and scared. “I can’t, James. You’re my friend, one of my _best_ friends. I can’t do that again…” Logan shook his head and looked down. “I’m sorry…”

James really should have known that it always came back to Kendall. The old anger that he felt over what happened between his two best friends came back in a rush. “I’m not him!”

Logan jumped slightly at his outburst and James took a moment to take a deep breath. “I’m not Kendall,” he repeated more calmly. “I know what I want. I know I like boys just as much as I like girls. And you know that too, Logan. You were the first one I told, remember?”

Logan smiled then, corners of his mouth upturning softly. “Yeah, I remember.”

James returned the smile and lifted his hand to cup Logan’s jaw gently. “And I like you, Logan. I don’t know how it happened and I don’t really care but you’re _it_ for me. I just know it.”

“You can’t know that, James. You say that now but you don’t mean it.” Logan’s tone was an odd combination of amused and sad, like he was expecting James to say something like that but didn’t quite believe him. It made James’ chest ache.

“And you can’t know _that_. You don’t know how I feel,” James shot back stubbornly. 

Logan shook his head slightly and looked down. 

James sighed and let his hand drop back to his side as he took a step back. “Just tell me that you don’t feel the same and I’ll leave you alone.”

Logan swallow thickly and then held his breath as his eyes flew across the room before he exhaled in a rush. “I…” he stopped and took another deep breath before his eyes locked on James for a few seconds. “I’m sorry, James,” he said sadly and shook his head, looking down again.

And it wasn’t no, it wasn’t an outright rejection but it hurt all the same. James took a deep breath and held it, eyes prickling slightly. He blinked them quickly and swallowed back the lump in his throat, taking a step away from Logan.

“Right, okay,” he said, voice thick with emotion. He swallowed a few times and cleared his throat. He refused to cry, especially in front of Logan. It wouldn’t change anything and it’d only make Logan feel bad for making him cry.

Logan looked at him sharply, eyes wide in surprise. “Okay?”

James was going to be mature about this, he promised himself. He didn’t want Logan to feel guilty about not feeling the same way. It hurt to think about it and he wished he’d just dropped it when Logan asked, he wished he hadn’t mentioned anything about that night. He didn’t know why he expected Logan’s answer to change. It was stupid really now that he thought about it.

James forced a smile and held his hands up in a helpless gesture. “It sucks, Logan. _A lot_. But I get it. You can’t help how you feel, right?”

Logan’s expression softened and he reached out before stopping himself, letting his hand drop back to his side. “James…I really am sorry.”

“I know you are, Logan. I’m sorry too. I should’ve just dropped it when you first asked me too. It’d probably hurt less.”

Logan inhaled sharply and he swallowed. “James…” he started but James shook his head.

“It’s fine, Logan. I’m a big boy, I’ll get over it,” he said, forcing the words out.

Logan studied him for a long time until James started to fidget under his gaze. For the past few weeks, James had wanted nothing more than for Logan to look at him again and now that Logan was, James just wanted him to stop.

“Can we still be friends?” Logan asked hesitantly.

James huffed out a laugh and stared into Logan’s hopeful face. The smile that spread across his face then was a little more genuine. “Of course, man. Nothing has to change. We can forget this ever happened and go back to the way things were, okay?”

Logan looked a little skeptical but nodded all the same. James smiled and pulled him into a quick hug before wrapping an arm around Logan’s shoulder. “Good, now come on. We’ll go grab a smoothie and hang out by the pool. I missed you.”

Logan looked a little bewildered but he went along with James. “I missed you, too,” he confessed and it eased the ache in James’ chest just a little.

It was going to hurt, he knew that. He didn’t know if he could get over Logan, didn’t know if he _wanted_ to get over Logan. But he would try his best not to let his feelings get in the way of their friendship. If that was all Logan was willing to give him, then he’d just have to learn to be satisfied with that and stop wanting more.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Logan is stupid.

Logan wasn’t sure how things could ever get back to normal for them, not after James told him how he felt, which had been difficult on its own to wrap his mind around. The last thing Logan wanted was for things to be awkward though. Especially since he and Kendall were _barely_ getting their friendship back to what it used to be.

He and Kendall had danced around each other for weeks, awkward tension almost stifling between them, but it was like James didn’t know how to be awkward. He was all easy smiles, bumping shoulders with Logan like nothing had happened between them. He didn’t seem to notice the way Logan tensed whenever their hands brushed as they both reached for the same controller or when James pressed against him while they were recording.

Logan tried to take it in stride. He didn’t want another strained friendship but it didn’t feel right. It was an act, Logan knew that and he knew he should be glad that James was trying to act normal around him but it still nagged at him. He wished that James would just react like he always did when someone rejected him, mope around and pout a little. At least then Logan would know he was actually getting over it.

This nonchalant attitude was driving him crazy.

Almost as if he knew Logan was thinking about him, James popped out from the swirly-slide, towel draped across his shoulders. “Hey, Logan,” he said, walking by the table where Logan was situated with his textbooks.

He tugged on Logan’s ear affectionately as he passed and Logan had to suppressed a shudder. It was the last straw and Logan jumped to his feet, words flying out of his mouth before he could stop them. “How can you act like nothing happened?”

James stopped short and turned around slowly to face Logan in confusion. “What?”

“You!” Logan’s arms flew out towards James. “You’re acting like nothing happened between us and it’s driving me crazy,” he said, hands flying to his hair to tug at it roughly.

James looked down at Logan, brows furrowed slightly in confusion. He didn’t seem to know what to say and Logan didn’t give him time to think of anything. “I appreciate the effort you’re putting in to act like everything is normal but don’t-” he stopped, not sure exactly what he wanted to say.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t pretend it doesn’t hurt if it does,” Logan finally said softly.

James inhaled sharply and looked away. “I just didn’t want things to be awkward. I saw the way it was between you and Kendall. I don’t want that. You’re important to me, Logan. We’re best friends, remember? I didn’t want you to feel guilty or anything for what happened. It’s not your fault. It happened. I’ll get over it, okay?”

James turned his eyes back to him and the emotion Logan saw in them hurt more than he had expected. He looked away, down at the table and tried to calm his pounding heart.

“See and now you’re going to act even weirder around me. I just want things to go back to normal, before any of this happened. You’re the one that wanted to forget about it, right?”

Logan winced slightly because he knew that hadn’t been very considerate of James feelings at the time. While thinking about what happened between them and trying to figure out his feelings for James still sent him into a mild panic, he didn’t want James to push aside his own feelings just for Logan’s sake. “I did, but I don’t want you to pretend everything is okay if it’s not.”

James sighed and rolled his eyes a bit. “I said it was okay, right? I’m not going to hold how you feel against you,” he said, then smiled and jerked his head towards the door, “Now, come on, we’re missing prime sunbathing time.”

Logan brows furrowed slightly at the sudden change in subject but he shook his head, letting out a small chuckle despite himself. If that’s how James wanted it to be then Logan would go with it. James was too stubborn to listen to Logan anyway. “I think I’ll pass. I have some studying to do.”

James scoffed. “You are so boring, Logan. Why am I even friends with you?”

It was surprisingly easy to fall back into being best friends and Logan found himself laughing. “Hey! What happened to me being important?”

“That was before you chose books over me.” James grinned and turned back towards the door. “Have fun being a nerd,” he called over his shoulder as he walked out the door. Logan watched him, a smile tugging on the corner of his mouth but still feeling out of sorts with the entire situation.

—

Kendall wandered into the apartment some time later. Logan looked up and smiled. It widened slightly when Kendall smiled back. He was always surprised at how easy it was to smile around Kendall now. The ache in his chest that was almost unbearable in the beginning, that he thought would never go away, was barely more than a twinge now.

“Hey,” he said cheerfully, sitting back in the chair.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Kendall nodded slightly in Logan’s direction as he walked past the table and into the kitchen.

Logan shook his head and shrugged lightly. “Just studying,” he said, gesturing towards the books strewn in front of him.

Kendall’s nose wrinkled slightly. “Sounds boring,” he said as he pulled a bottle of water from the fridge.

“That’s what James said,” he said with a small chuckle.

Kendall let out a small chuckle of his own and turned towards Logan, leaning forward on the counter to study Logan quietly. Logan began to fidget slightly under his gaze and was just about to say something about it when Kendall beat him to it. “So, you two are good now?”

Logan froze slightly. Of course, Kendall would bring that up. He was kind of surprised it had taken Kendall so long to ask about it. “Yeah, we’re good,” he muttered with an awkward shrug of his shoulder.

They fell into a brief silence where Logan stared hard at his textbook without reading a single thing while Kendall seemed to be waiting for something. Logan knew Kendall expected him to elaborate on what happened but Logan didn’t feel comfortable sharing with Kendall. Not after what had happened between them already.

Eventually Kendall let out a sigh. Logan looked up and watched warily as Kendall walked around the counter and sat down at the table across from him. They studied each other silently before Logan finally had to look away. “You going to study with me?”

“You ever going to tell me what happened between you?”

Logan sighed softly. Right. Of course Kendall wouldn’t just drop it. “It’s not really any of your business,” he said slowly, not wanting to insult or hurt Kendall’s feelings but there were some things that Kendall really didn’t need to know about.

Kendall snorted lightly. “You’re my friends, of course it is,” he said, crossing his arms across his chest and leaning back in his chair.

Logan huffed out a laugh and shook his head lightly. Leave it to Kendall to see it that way. He knew Kendall just wanted to help and he actually appreciated it but this was one thing he wouldn’t budge on. “We worked it out. Everything’s fine now so you don’t need to worry about it anymore.”

Logan wasn’t really surprised when Kendall gave him a dubious look, one eyebrow arched. “Are you sure? Things still seem a little off between you. _Better_ but still different.”

“Yeah and we’re working on that too,” Logan bit out. He just wanted the conversation to end and was getting a little annoyed that Kendall wouldn’t just drop it.

Kendall huffed out a breath and shook his head. “Fine, whatever you say. But if you need to talk to anybody, you know you can still come to me, right?”

At the earnest look on Kendall’s face, Logan felt guilt curl in his chest, replacing his irritation. “I know, Kendall, but really. We’re fine.”

—

In the end, James bounced back fairly quickly, just like Logan knew he would. He tried not to let it bother him. It was just James. It’s what he did. He flirted and he dated and it wasn’t _meaningless_ , but they were fleeting just the same. He was hardly surprised when he wandered down to the pool and found James talking to a girl, leaning in close, James Diamond Charm on full blast.

This was good, he decided with a firm nod of his head as he settled down on a pool lounger on the opposite side of the pool. It was great even. He didn’t need to worry about James and his feelings anymore. Even after their conversation, Logan had continued to feel uncomfortable and awkward around James. But it seemed he’d been worried for nothing because it wasn’t even a week after their talk and James had already moved on.

He ignored the way his stomach twisted at the thought. James had said that he cared about Logan and Logan believed him, he knew James wouldn’t lie about that but he’d also said that he wanted things to be normal again. And that’s what James was doing. Being normal. And that’s what Logan needed to do, too.

With that thought in mind, he slid his sunglasses on and opened his magazine, prepared to relax for the next couple of hours.

Or that was the plan anyway. 

Instead he found his magazine lowering slightly so he could watch James from over the top. His eyes narrowed as he noticed the girl’s hand was placed lightly on James’ forearm. He gave her a quick look over and grudgingly admitted to himself that she was pretty. Of course, she was pretty. This was James and James wouldn’t settle for anything less than pretty.

Again, he ignored the way his stomach twisted and let out an annoyed huff at himself. He didn’t know why he cared but he didn’t like it. As much as he didn’t like the idea of James moping and _pining_ for Logan, he liked this even less. 

He didn’t like the way James smiled at her, or the way he reached out to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear then let his fingers trail lightly down her bare arm. He _hated_ the way she tilted her head to the side at James, fingers caressing James’ arm.

“Logan!”

Logan jumped slightly and blinked up at Carlos in surprise, air rushing out of his lungs that he hadn’t even noticed he’d been holding. He hadn’t heard the other boy approaching and considering Carlos wasn’t exactly the quietest person around, that was saying something. 

“What?”

Carlos grinned and shook his head. “What were you looking at?”

Logan cleared his throat and averted his gaze, pointedly not looking across the pool where he’d been staring at James. “No-Nothing,” he said, hating the way he stumbled over the word. 

He cleared his throat and ignored the blush he could feel spreading across his face. He watched as Carlos sat down in the pool lounger next to him and swung his legs up onto it, looking across the pool.

“Oh,” Carlos said softly then turned back towards Logan, corners of his mouth upturned in a small, teasing grin. “You were totally staring at James, weren’t you?”

Logan let out a small choked noise and sputtered. “W-wha- No! I wasn’t looking at James. Why would I be watching him anyway? That’s stupid.”

“Uh-huh. Whatever you say, man. He told me what happened, ya know.”

Logan’s head snapped towards Carlos sharply, heart hammering in his chest. He could feel his whole body growing warm in embarrassing. “He did? When?”

“Uh, the morning after, I think.”

“You’ve known all this time?”

Carlos nodded and grinned. “Yup. Bet you didn’t think I could keep a secret, huh?”

“Well, no, not really…”

Carlos laughed and reached over to punch Logan lightly in the arm. Logan winced softly and rubbed his arm even though it didn’t really hurt which only made Carlos laugh even more. “Weenie,” he said good-naturedly, a grin on his face.

Logan sent him a dirty look before he realized that it was pointless considering he was wearing dark sunglasses. He sighed and leaned back in his seat and lifted his magazine to continue reading. He made it halfway into an article before Carlos said softly, “He really likes you, you know…”

Logan froze, fingers tightening around the edges of the magazine gently. He didn’t say anything or react in any other way for a long moment then he sighed. “I know,” he said softly into the pages.

“But you don’t like him?”

“Not like that.”

“Then how?” Carlos tone was soft, curious and not the least bit accusing. 

Logan was surprised. He had expected Carlos to be mad at him for hurting James’ feelings, for not feeling the same way about the other boy. He had expected Carlos to demand an explanation, to be fiercely protective of James and threaten to never speak to him again.

Logan would’ve preferred that to this quiet curiosity. He made a small frustrated noise then heaved out a sigh and remained thoughtfully silent for a moment. “He’s my best friend,” he finally said, mouth twitching slightly at the pout forming on Carlos’ face as he quickly added, “One of them.”

Carlos seemed mollified by his correction and leaned back in his chair, falling into a thoughtful silence of his own. 

Logan forced himself to bring his magazine back up for another attempt at reading. He only made it halfway into a sentence this time before Carlos was talking again. 

“But Kendall’s your best friend too, right?”

Logan tensed again, shoulders stiffening. “That was different,” he gritted out. 

Talking about what happened between him and Kendall always set him on edge. While he and Kendall were on much more stable ground, he still didn’t like to rehash it. It still felt raw sometimes, the rejection and humiliation, like no time had passed at all and he could still heard Kendall’s soft-spoken apology echoing in his mind. He’d rather forget it ever happened at all.

“How?”

Logan took a deep breath and closed his magazine, finger marking his place. “I really don’t want to talk about this right now, Carlos, alright?” The words came out soft and vulnerable, not how he intended at all. 

He cleared his throat roughly and lifts his magazine once more, not even pretending to read and just burying his face in it. He could feel the blush creeping along his cheek, warmth spreading down his neck and under the collar of his shirt.

He felt Carlos’ eyes on him but ignored it. He also ignored the sound of James’ laughter that suddenly drifted from across the pool, loud and clear like he was right next to Logan. 

He slumped down in his seat, staring blankly at the pages of his magazine and tried to convince himself that he didn’t care.

—

But still the feeling in the pit of his stomach persisted. Logan managed to ignore it and for the most part, he was able to forget it even existed. Things with James were still stiff and Logan still felt awkward around him, but James made things easier just by being the same old James he’d always been. He invaded Logan’s personal space without hesitation, threw his arms around Logan like it was nothing. If Logan let himself, he could almost forget that they’d been at odds at all.

The only problem was that he _couldn’t_. Every time James got too close, his breath caught in his throat, every casual arm slung over his shoulder made him stiffen momentarily in surprise because he _knew_.

He knew what it felt like to have James’ breath brush against his skin, bodies pressed close. He knew what James’ lips felt like against his own, knew what it felt like to touch James and be touched in return. He lay awake in bed thinking about it constantly, feeling sick with himself afterwards for not being able to let it go like James had so easily done.

He just couldn’t let himself forget and he hated it. He hated more that James could. Sometimes he wondered if he made a mistake. If he should’ve taken that leap of faith with James when he could. 

He had been so confused though, not sure how he felt. He still didn’t know exactly how he felt. All he knew was that he didn’t want to put James through what he’d gone through with Kendall, didn’t want to hurt James the way he’d been hurt.

Logan sighed, wondering what his problem was, why he was thinking about this so much. He’d made his decision and James had accepted it and moved on. Why couldn’t he?

Logan ran a hand through his hair and refocused on the book in front of him, tapping his pencil point against his notebook. Studying always helped clear his mind of confusing thoughts but for some reason it wasn’t working today. He shook his head and concentrated on the words in the textbook, forcing himself to stop thinking about James.

Of course, as soon as he was able to push all thoughts of James aside was when James decided to walk into the apartment, a damp, white towel slung over his shoulder.

Logan looked up and choked slightly in surprise. Heart pounding, Logan tried not to let his eyes linger on the way James’ shirt clung to his body with sweat and quickly averted his gaze to James’ face. 

Not that that helped in any way considering James’ cheeks were flushed and his hair was damp with sweat, plastered to his forehead. Logan’s mind went straight to the gutter and he shifted slightly in his seat.

James smiled wide when he saw Logan sitting at the table, books and papers strewn about. Logan couldn’t help but smile in return, pushing all thoughts of a flushed and sweaty James out of his mind. It had been a while since he’d last seen James smile like that.

“Well, you seem happy, did someone compliment you on your hair today?” he managed to choke out, almost managing to sound casual and not like he’d been tearing himself apart thinking about James for the past few hours.

James laughed as he closed the door behind him and leaned against it, “No, but I’ve got a date tonight.”

Logan blinked in surprise and he felt his smile falter slightly. “Oh, cool. With who?” He tried to keep his voice as casual as possible, but even he could tell he wasn’t doing a very good job at it.

James watched him carefully and Logan could feel himself flush under the scrutiny. “New guy,” James said shortly, “He moved here last week. I met him at the gym today.”

Logan could feel the strain of his smile and quickly looked back down at his textbook so James wouldn’t see it. “Oh, well, that’s cool, have fun,” he said distractedly, trying to focus on the words in front of him. 

He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He knew this was bound to happen. He’d been watching James flirt with people for the past few days and he knew it was only a matter of time before he asked someone out. 

So, why did it feel like the rug had suddenly been pulled out from under him?

“Um, thanks,” he heard James say before the other boy walked away. He glanced up briefly, watching James move about in the kitchen. He tried to convince himself that this was a good thing, another step in the right direction to normalcy, but it was hard to ignore the unease that unfolded in his stomach as he stared blankly down at his textbook.

—

Logan didn’t let it bother him. He really didn’t. But he had always had an active imagination when it came to ‘worst case scenarios’. So when everyone was getting ready for bed and James still hadn’t returned from his date, he went into panic mode. No one else seemed to be worried. Mrs. Knight obviously disapproved but didn’t seem bothered and Kendall and Carlos seemed amused more than anything else.

When everyone else went to bed, Logan stayed up to wait for James, ignoring Carlos’ light teasing, with the TV on, volume low so he wouldn’t disturb the others. He realized that he was being mildly creepy by sitting in the dark with only the light coming from the TV and outside, but it was late, past midnight and James still wasn’t back from his date. 

James had gone out almost every night they had off and it didn’t bother Logan. It really didn’t. But it was the first time James had stayed out so late and he couldn’t help but worry. It was easier to worry than think about what James was _really_ up to staying out late.

The door creaked open and Logan sat up, turning towards it. The lights turned on and James let out a small yelp when he caught sight of Logan.

“Logan? What are you doing?” James asked, hand pressed over his chest.

Logan jumped to his feet, standing with his feet shoulder-width apart and placed his hands on hips. “Waiting for _you_! Do you know what time it is?”

James arched an eyebrow, as he slowly closed the door behind him, “No, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

Logan threw his hands up in the air as he exclaims almost before James even finished, “It’s almost two in the morning! Where have you been?”

James was half-smiling, half-frowning in bewilderment as he walked further into the apartment. “I was out on a date, you know that. What’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with _you_! You didn’t tell us where you were going? We didn’t even get to meet the guy! He could’ve been some kind of serial rapist for all we know!”

James stopped at the end of the dining room table and blinked in surprise, “Serial rap-” He started to say but cut himself off with an incredulous laugh, “Logan, what the hell? I can take care of myself.”

Logan rolled his eyes, “Yeah, ‘cause you have such an excellent track record of making good decisions.”

Logan knew he had taken it too far when James’ face fell completely still, mouth visibly tightening. “You would know, wouldn’t you?”

Logan stiffened and held himself a little straighter, He pressed his lips together and tried to gather his thoughts, but James continued before he could even take a breath.

“Why do you even care so much? Are you jealous?” James arched an eyebrow, a smug smile spreading across his face slowly.

Logan sputtered. “W-what? No! I’m just trying to look out for you!”

“Mmhmm, whatever you say, Logan. I don’t need you to look out for me. I’m a big boy.”

“You know what? Forget it,” he spat out before he brushed past James angrily and stomped away. 

It wasn’t his finest moment and he knew he could have handled it a lot better but his patience had been running a lot thinner lately. He’d been irritable and tense, snapping at anything that annoyed him. He didn’t think about it too hard, didn’t want to acknowledge that it started when James started dating again, convinced himself it was just a coincidence.

The thing that annoyed him the most was that he was _genuinely_ worried about James. James was impulsive and entirely too trusting and he went out with people he barely knew. Logan couldn’t help but worry about what could happen. James was his friend, he had a right to worry, right?

—

After that things got a little strained between them again. Logan tried to stay out of James’ way as much as he could. And if that meant he also didn’t have to watch as James flirted with every pretty girl(and guy) he came across, well that was just a bonus. But they did live together so it wasn’t like Logan could avoid James forever. He’d already tried that and failed.

“You’re staring again.”

Logan jumped slightly, looking up sharply at Carlos who was sitting down across the table from him with a plate of corndogs. “What? No, I’m not,” he said then quickly glanced back at James where he was sitting on the couch with Kendall and Katie watching TV before he could stop himself. He flushed when he heard Carlos laugh.

“Sure you’re not,” Carlos said and grinned at him. “Dude, just tell him how you feel. Everyone will be a lot happier once you do.”

“I already did. Now shut up and eat your food, I’m trying to study,” he said, scowling lightly at Carlos before he pointedly turned his eyes back to his textbook.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Logan.”

—

The thing was, Logan wasn’t sure how he felt about James. With Kendall, it had been planned and agreed that it was just an experiment. They were just fooling around, trying to find themselves or whatever. Logan had been the one that broke the rules and developed _feelings_. He was the one that fell in love and wanted more while Kendall didn’t. Over time he’d gotten over the rejection. He couldn’t fault Kendall for not returning his feelings when they had set the rules out so clearly.

What happened with James had been unplanned, unexpected, and had left him completely confused. And now instead of _Kendall_ , Logan found himself thinking about _James_. His thoughts always went back to James saying that he wanted Logan. That Logan was _it_ for him. Yet it had only been a few weeks and James was already moving on.

But like with Kendall, Logan couldn’t really blame James for it. What else did he expect? He was the one that had first pushed James away. He had just been so confused, mind swirling with possibilities and probabilities. He knew he loved James. Being best friends, it was hard not to. And he found James attractive. Really attractive. _Too_ attractive. It really wasn’t fair just how attractive James was in Logan’s opinion.

And Logan _wanted_ James, too. So much. It was like a burning itch under his skin. He wanted to bury his fingers into James’ stupidly gorgeous hair and push him down, kiss every inch of skin he could until James _begged_.

The only thing that had been stronger than his lust for James, had been his fear of being hurt again, of losing James’ friendship when it all fell apart. Because this was _James_ , who had never even been in a steady relationship before, who serial dated and flirted with every pretty face he met.

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust James when he said he liked Logan. He knew that whatever James felt was real and James _meant_ it. James _always _meant it. In that moment, James had meant what he said and Logan knew it would hurt all the more for it in the end.__

__But that still left him jealous and angry, feeling like a little piece of him was dying every time James went out with someone else. He didn’t know how much longer he could put up with it before he snapped. He knew he could put a stop to it. All he had to do was tell James the truth except he _couldn’t_. Just thinking about confessing to James, had his heart pounding, breath quickening in a panic._ _

__He needed help, someone to talk to that would help him figure out what he should do, but his options were limited to either Kendall or Carlos. Of the two of them, Kendall seemed like the safer bet. He’d at least actually let Logan decide on his own what to do instead of pushing him into it._ _

__He waited until they were getting ready for bed, then he waited some more until they were both in bed, then waited a little longer as Kendall shifted around in his bed. He finally let out an exasperated sigh, annoyed with himself and sat up, reaching over to flick the lamp on._ _

__Kendall’s head snapped toward Logan, eyes wide in confusion. “What-?”_ _

__Logan took a deep breath and decided to get it over with as fast as possible. Like pulling a band-aid off, he told himself. “I think I’m in love with James,” he breathed out and closed his eyes tightly._ _

__Complete silence followed his words and he found himself slowly opening his eyes, first one then the other to see Kendall staring at him in completely shock, mouth wide open._ _

__“Wh-what?”_ _

__Logan took a deep breath and closed his eyes briefly. “You heard me,” he said softly._ _

__“Yeah, but I think I hit my head or something because it sounded like you said you’re in love with James.”_ _

__“That’s because I did.” Kendall sat up and stared at Logan. Logan felt his face flush. “Stop it,” he snapped out, hands fluttering with nervous energy._ _

__“Stop what?”_ _

__“Stop staring at me like that and just- just say something!” He flung his arms out unable to contain his nerves any longer._ _

__“What do you want me to say?”_ _

__“I don’t know. Anything.”_ _

__“Okay…okay. So, is this why you guys have been acting all weird around each other?”_ _

__Logan sighed, started to shake his head then stopped and shrugged. “Kind of.”_ _

__“Kind of?”_ _

__“Look. We…we slept together and I was confused. He said he liked me but I didn’t know how _I_ was feeling so I kind of made it seem like I didn’t feel the same way. I panicked and now I’ve fucked everything up because apparently I _do_ feel the same way about him but he keeps going on _dates_ with every other person in the fucking world and he won’t _stop_.”_ _

__“Dude, breathe,” Kendall said worriedly. “Have you _told_ him yet?”_ _

__Logan took a deep breath and shook his head. “No,” he eventually said quietly._ _

__“Well, why not?”_ _

__“I _can’t_.”_ _

__“You can’t?”_ _

__Kendall’s tone was heavy with disbelief and Logan sighed. “I don’t know how to…It seems impossible.”_ _

__“It’s not. Tell him how you feel, Logan. If he knew, you know he wouldn’t be going out with all those people. He’d want to be with _you_.”_ _

__“What if he doesn’t feel the same way anymore? Or worse! What if he doesn’t believe me?”_ _

__“Why wouldn’t he believe you?_ _

__“I don’t know. What if he thinks I only like him now because he’s moved on?”_ _

__“Logan,” Kendall said carefully and it was obvious that his patience was wearing thin. “This is James. He knows you wouldn’t mess around like that.”_ _

__Logan sighed again and nodded. He knew Kendall was right and there was no good reason to not tell James. “Okay…I’ll think about it…”_ _

__“Good. Can I go to sleep now?”_ _

__Logan let out a small chuckle. “Yeah,” he said, leaning over to turn the lamp off and settle down into bed. He laid there for a few minutes in silence, listening to Kendall get comfortable once more. “Hey, Kendall.”_ _

__“Yeah?”_ _

__“Thanks.”_ _

__“Any time, Logan.”_ _

__Logan sighed softly and thought about what Kendall had said. He knew Kendall was right but there was still something telling him ‘No, this is a bad idea,’ whenever he thought about talking to James about it._ _

__But he said he would think about it and that’s what he’d do._ _

__And that’s all he did for the next few days. Thought about James and how to tell him he made a mistake. But how do you take something like that back?_ _

__—_ _

__He was at the pool again doing his favorite thing in the entire world: torturing himself by watching James talk to pretty girls._ _

__“You know he wouldn’t look twice at her if he knew how you felt.”_ _

__Logan jumped slightly then quickly let out a sigh of exasperation to cover it up. “Dude, not again.”_ _

__Carlos just shrugged and glanced over at James before turning back to Logan. “I’m just saying, man.”_ _

__Logan rolled his eyes and turned to watch James for a few more moments. Carlos already knew, there was no point in hiding it now. He let out a sigh and turned his attention back to Carlos. “Why do you even care so much?”_ _

__“’Cause I hate seeing my friends so miserable.”_ _

__Logan scoffed lightly and looked across the pool at James laughing and smiling at the girl he was currently flirting with. “He doesn’t look very miserable to me.”_ _

__Carlos didn’t respond and Logan let himself relax once more. He knew Carlos was right and he did want to tell James that he’d made a mistake. He knew that much now. It was just figuring out _how_ that was stopping him. There didn’t seem like a good way of saying he’s made a mistake and he didn’t know what to do._ _

__The only thing he did know was that he _was_ miserable and he couldn’t bear to watch James mindlessly dating every attractive person he came across anymore._ _

__—_ _

__Logan sighed and wondered where Carlos was. They had been hanging out by the pool when Carlos had decided he was hungry and had gone off to find food saying he’d be right back._ _

__Except he hadn’t and Logan was slightly annoyed at being abandoned._ _

__He sighed again, trying to decide if he should just go back up the apartment or not. He was comfortable where he was but he was also bored._ _

__He turned his head to the side and spotted James walking out from the lobby. His breath caught in his throat when James looked over at him, smiling brightly before he sauntered over._ _

__“Hey, Logan,” James said as he reached Logan, taking a seat in the pool lounger that had been Carlos’ earlier._ _

__Logan sat up and sent James a uncertain smile.“Hey, James. What’s up?”_ _

__James smile faltered slightly and he rubbed the back of his neck in what would’ve been a nervous gesture if this had been anyone but James. “Uh, well, you know that party that’s happening this weekend?”_ _

__Logan nodded. Of course he knew about it. Bitters was leaving for the weekend for some kind of conference thing. Logan wasn’t sure nor did he care but someone had decided to take advantage of the opportunity and throw a party._ _

__“Yeah, what about it?”_ _

__“Are you going?”_ _

__Logan shrugged because he hadn’t really thought about it. Since it was being held at the Palmwoods, he knew the others wouldn’t need him as their designated driver and that was really the only reason he ever went to parties. “I wasn’t planning on it. You know I never really have fun at them.”_ _

__James chuckled, “Right. I forgot you were a wet blanket.”_ _

__Logan’s eyes widened at the comment and he let out a laugh. “Hey! I’m the wet blanket that always makes sure you get home in one piece!”_ _

__James grinned at him but didn’t say anything, letting the silence stretch out into something that wasn’t quite awkward but not exactly comfortable either._ _

__Logan cleared his throat and lifted an eyebrow gently. “Was that it?”_ _

__James looked startled for a moment before he shook his head. “Well, no,” he paused and cleared his throat, shifting in his seat. “I wanted you to go with me.”_ _

__Logan’s brows twitched. “Go with you?” He gestured in the space between them. “Like, together?”_ _

__James huffed out an amused breath and nodded. “Duh, that’s what ‘with me’ means, right?”_ _

__Logan stared at James in shock. Was James asking him out on a date? That didn’t make any sense. There was no way he knew about how Logan really felt. Kendall wouldn’t have told him and Carlos wouldn’t either._ _

__Before he could think about it for too long, before he even knew what he was doing, he was nodding his head. “Yeah, okay.”_ _

__James looked surprised for a split second before his face morphed into another bright smile. “Yeah?”_ _

__Logan smiled nervously, heart thudding in his chest. “If you want,” he said trying to sound casual. He shrugged his shoulders to add to the effect but was sure the movement was too jerky to be convincing._ _

__James didn’t seem to notice though. He just smiled wide and slapped his hands down on his thighs excitedly. “Awesome. You’ll have fun this time, I promise.”_ _

__Logan’s eyes followed the movement as James stood up and laughed softly as James hurried back into the lobby. He smiled to himself, chest feeling tight, something bubbling up within him that might have been excitement, fear or just pure joy, he didn’t know._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I will post part 3 tomorrow bc I'm super tired and can't read through it right now


	3. Chapter 3

It took a few days, but James was finally able to find two perfect dates. They were pretty but not so pretty that Logan would end up feeling awkward and uncomfortable around them. 

While it was cute to see Logan fumble over his words around a pretty girl, James wanted Logan to have _fun_ at the party. 

He also made sure they were interesting. At least, interesting enough that Logan wouldn’t get bored with his date but not enough that Logan would want to go out with her again.

It was a fine line trying to make the night perfect but not too perfect. He just wanted Logan to loosen up around him, remember how much fun they used to have together and a double-date seemed like the perfect way to do that. It was something they used do together back in Minnesota, just them. It was a little piece of normalcy that _had_ to fix things between them. He’d already tried to go on dates on his own and it’d only made Logan shrink further away from him. James just wanted Logan to look at him without seeming annoyed or angry about something. He wanted them to be _friends_ again.

“He’s really cute, and smart too. He likes science and stuff,” James said, trying to seal the deal. It wasn’t like it was that hard a sell. Who wouldn’t want to go out with the better half of Big Time Rush? 

He flashed a bright smile when they both agreed to go out with him and Logan, and glanced over at the entrance to the lobby. His smile grew when he saw Logan. “Oh, look, there he is right now. Hey, Logan!” he called out, waving Logan over.

Logan glanced over at James in surprise, then he smiled, eyes crinkling. James ignored the way his heart sped up, and glanced back over at the two girls. 

Something dark unfurled in his chest when he saw how they were looking Logan up and down in obvious approval. He tried to ignore that too, pushed it away before he looked back over at Logan, grinning wide. It dropped slightly when he noticed Logan was frowning now, brows furrowed quizzically.

Logan approached them slowly, sending a side-long glance at the two girls before focusing his gaze on James once more. “Hey, what’s going on?”

James forced a small smile on his face, suddenly feeling nervous. He gestured to the two girls. “This is Miranda and, um,” James faltered, brows crinkling as he tried to remember the other girl’s name.

“Daphne,” the girl supplied, sounding just a little annoyed.

James grinned at her sheepishly. “Right, sorry,” he said, then turned back to Logan. “And Daphne. They’ve agreed to be our dates to the party.”

Logan suddenly stiffened in surprise, eyes widening slightly. “Our what?”

“Our dates,” James repeated, grin slipping slightly when he noticed the look on Logan’s face.

Logan blinked slowly then his brows furrowed in confusion. “Wait, but I thought...” Logan started then stopped, mouth snapping shut.

James watched him expectantly, waiting for him to continue. “You thought what?” he prodded when Logan didn’t say anything else.

Logan just shook his head. “Nothing. I was obviously wrong.”

James’ brows furrowed slightly. “Logan?”

“Just forget it,” Logan shook his head again, then spun around on his heel and quickly walked back into the lobby.

James stared after him in confusion before he turned to the girls. “I’ll be right back,” he said quickly and hurried after Logan. He caught up with him in the middle of the lobby and grabbed his arm.

Logan spun around and pulled his arm away vehemently. “Don’t touch me!” he hissed, chest heaving slightly.

James backed up a step, eyes widening in shock at Logan’s tone, at the anger and hurt written in Logan’s eyes. “What? Logan? What’s wrong?”

Logan took a deep breath and let it out slowly, glancing around the lobby furtively. James looked around as well and noticed some of the other residents watching them. He ignored them though and refocused on Logan, waiting for him to explain the way he was acting. 

Logan shook his head. “Nothing. I’m just an idiot. I thought-” He stopped himself again, mouth snapping shut on the words and shook his head again.

James frowned, confused about what Logan was talking about. “What? What did you think?”

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter. I should’ve known better,” Logan said with a small derisive laugh.

“Known better about what?” James asked, trying to keep his frustration in check. It was hard when Logan was being so damn cryptic about everything. If he’d just tell James what he was so upset about, maybe James could fix it. “We don’t have to have dates. I just thought it might be more fun that way.”

Logan sighed and shook his head, looking down. “Just forget it, James,” he said and turned away.

James watched him start to walk away, mouth opening and closing trying to figure out what was happening. He didn’t understand why Logan was so upset. “How am I supposed to fix anything if you don’t tell me what I’m doing wrong?” he eventually called out, not caring how desperate he sounded.

Logan paused briefly and turned around to face James. “Maybe you should just stop trying,” Logan said, spreading his arms out helplessly, a sardonic smile stretching his lips.

James’ mouth parted in surprise, a deep ache developing in his chest. “You don’t really mean that,” he said, stubbornly, willing it to be true.

Logan sighed and looked down, running a hand through his hair. “Right now, yes I do. Just leave me alone, James,” he said, keeping his gaze down. He didn’t give James a chance to react, not that James even knew _how_ to react to Logan’s words, before he walked away.

James stared after Logan and felt his heart break that little bit more. He didn’t think anything could ever actually _end_ their friendship, but apparently he’d been wrong. 

The worst part was not even knowing exactly what he’d done to upset Logan.

—

James spent the next few days wondering where he went wrong. Maybe he should’ve asked Logan if he wanted to go on a double date beforehand. He’d never had to ask before so the thought had never occurred to him. It still didn’t explain the way Logan reacted. The sting of Logan’s words still hurt and James tried his best to give Logan the space he obviously wanted.

They didn’t talk about the party again but James just assumed they were still on. So, when the night of the party came and James slid down the swirly slide and found Logan sitting on the couch in a pair of old sweats and t-shirt, he stared in confusion. “What are you doing?”

Logan glanced at James, looking him up and down in his best designer jeans and tight t-shirt that if James was honest with himself, he wore just to impress Logan. He wasn’t sure if it had the desired effect on Logan that he had hoped because all Logan did was raise an eyebrow at him. "What?”

James’ mouth dropped open in surprise. “ _What_?” he repeated, placing his hands on his hips. “Why aren’t you dressed, that’s what.”

Logan’s brows twitched slightly in confusion and he said. “Oh, right, the party’s tonight.”

“Uh, yeah, it is. Go get ready,” James said, gesturing up to the second floor.

Logan shook his head. “I don’t think I’m going to go after all,” he said, dismissively.

James felt his heart drop to his stomach with disappointment. “What? But you said you’d go with me!”

“I changed my mind,” Logan said with a shrug and turned back to the TV.

James’ mouth dropped as he stared at Logan. This was the first he’d heard of this but he probably shouldn’t have been surprised with the way Logan had been keeping his distance lately. He’d just hoped Logan would get over it by now.

“What? When?”

Logan shrugged again. “I don’t know. A couple days ago, I guess.”

James’ mouth snapped shut. A couple of days ago was when James had introduced Logan to their dates. “Why didn’t you tell me then?” he demanded, trying to control his anger. 

If Logan knew he wasn’t going to go, then why didn’t he tell James sooner? James had worked himself up for this, excited to spend some time with Logan outside of their everyday normal interactions, to re-connect and show Logan that they can go back to normal and it didn’t have to weird between them.

“Didn’t think about it. Sorry,” Logan said with another shrug.

James scowled, starting to get annoyed with Logan’s attitude. It was obvious that he was just acting like he didn’t care and he was still mad at James. 

“What am I going to do about your date now?” James asked in annoyance.

“Tell her I’m sick. I don’t care,” Logan said, keeping his eyes fixed on the TV.

“Dude, what’s up with you? Are you mad that I got us dates without asking you?” James finally asked. He knew it had to do with the girls, but he didn’t know _what_. They were pretty and nice as far as James could tell and Logan didn’t really have a reason to dislike them. 

Logan turned his face to James then, face carefully blank. “Why would I be?”

“Then what is it?”

“I just changed my mind, okay? People are allowed to change their mind.”

“But _why_? You seemed excited about it after I asked last week,” James said, desperately hoping Logan would change his mind again. 

“I just did!” Logan snapped, brows furrowed in annoyance. “I don’t like parties, you know that. Just go without me. It’s not a big deal.”

But it was a big deal to James. He didn’t want to go without Logan. The whole point of going was to show Logan that they could still hang out and have fun together without things being awkward between them.

“We can ditch our dates if you want,” James offered, hoping that would be enough to get Logan to change his mind. Their dates were supposed to be an extra buffer of normalcy but if Logan didn’t want them, he’d gladly dump them to the side.

Logan turned towards James, arms flying out. “I said I don’t want to go!” he shouted, sounding aggravated. 

James took a step back in surprise before he scowled, brows furrowing. “But you _said_ -”

Logan let out a huff and sat back, folding his arms across his chest. “People say a lot of things. It doesn’t make them true,” Logan spat out, cutting James off.

James blinked in confusion. “What-?”

“Just go to the party, James,” Logan said with an exasperated sigh, turning back to the television.

The words sounded a lot like “Leave me alone” to James and even though he was really upset about his whole night being ruined by Logan, he didn’t want to make the rift between them any worse than it already was. 

“Fine,” he muttered with a nod and tried not to slam the door on his way out. 

—

James arrived at the party in a not-so-partying mood. He awkwardly lied to Daphne, or Miranda, he couldn’t remember which one was supposed to be Logan’s date and told her that Logan had food poisoning and couldn’t make it. 

She didn’t look like she believed him but she also didn’t care enough to make a fuss about it. She disappeared into the crowd of party-goers and James was stuck with Miranda, or Daphne, he should’ve made them wear name tags or something.

“Soo,” he started, smiling at his date. He was determined to have fun at this party, if only just to spite Logan. He didn’t know what Logan’s problem was but James wasn’t going to let it distract him from having a good time. 

Unfortunately, he couldn’t seem to focus on anything. Not on his date, or the music playing. He felt frustrated and annoyed, thoughts going back to Logan constantly. His date (Miranda? Daphne?) seemed to notice how preoccupied he was because she drifted away and he didn’t even notice until she was gone.

James sighed when he looked around and couldn’t find her. He leaned against the wall, sipping from the plastic cup in his hand. This was ridiculous, he thought. He just wanted one night where he and Logan could reconnect as friends and it all fell apart. And why? He didn’t even know. That’s the part that pissed him off the most.

He took another drink and banged his head against the wall. It wasn’t fair. He was trying so hard and it didn’t seem to be working at all. He just wanted his best friend back. He finished off his drink and went to get a refill.

A few drinks later, he spotted Kendall. He didn’t know what he was thinking- couldn’t think, really- but he suddenly became irrationally angry just by the sight of him. He made a beeline straight for Kendall, pushing past other party guests roughly and ignoring their annoyed protests. 

“This is all your fault,” he accused, pointing a finger at Kendall.

Kendall’s head jerked towards him in surprise before his brows furrowed in confusion. “What? What’s my fault?”

“Logan. You broke his heart and now he won’t trust me with it,” James said and poked Kendall in the middle of his chest to emphasize his point.

Kendall took a small step back, an annoyed look on his face. James tried to stare him down but he swayed, stumbling to the side to catch his balance.

Kendall scoffed softly and shook his head. “You’re drunk.”

“’M not,” James said stubbornly, crossing his arms.

Kendall rolled his eyes. “Yeah, you are.”

“Whatever,” James muttered. “Still your fault.”

Kendall took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Have you ever thought that maybe it’s _your_ fault?”

James blinked in surprise, arms dropping back down to his sides. “Me? But I haven’t done anything!”

Kendall sighed and shook his head. “You’ve been going out with all these people, how do you think that makes Logan feel?”

James opened his mouth then shut it when nothing came out. He didn’t know what to say because it didn’t make sense. His eyes narrowed and he leaned into Kendall’s space, threateningly. “What do you know?”

Kendall took a small step back and raised both hands slightly. “Nothing. I don’t know anything. But maybe you should talk to Logan again,” he said quickly. 

“He won’t talk to me. I think he really hates me now,” James said mournfully, turning his face down.

Kendall sighed and shook his head, placing his hand on James’ shoulder and squeezing gently. “He really doesn’t, James. Trust me.”

Again, James narrowed his eyes at Kendall because he obviously knew something that James didn’t. He wasn’t surprised that Logan confided in Kendall when he wouldn’t tell James anything. Kendall was Logan’s favorite after all. 

“I hate you,” he suddenly said, leaning against Kendall heavily.

“No, you don’t,” Kendall said, rubbing James’ back gently.

“Yes, I do,” James said petulantly, placing his head against Kendall’s shoulder. “You’re stupid and Logan likes you more.”

Kendall chuckled softly. “No, he doesn’t.”

James smiled slightly when Kendall didn’t refute being stupid and counted it as a small win.

—

James left shortly after speaking to Kendall. He had already lost his date and he wasn’t having any fun. He stumbled down the hall to 2J and let himself in. The TV was still on but Logan wasn’t watching it anymore. He was spread out on the sofa, sleeping. 

James walked over to the couch and looked down at Logan, frowning slightly. “Hey, Logan,” he whispered loudly and poked Logan in the side. Logan groaned and squirmed a little but didn’t wake up. James poked him again. “Logan, wake up.”

Logan blinked his eyes open slowly then stared up at James in confusion, brows pinching together slightly. “What the- James?” he said, voice sleep-rough and sat up, eying James warily.

James sank down onto the couch next to him. “Shouldn’t sleep on the couch. Gonna hurt your neck or something then you’ll be all cranky in the morning,” James said softly, words slurring together slightly. He placed his hand on the back of Logan’s neck and squeezed gently, thumbs rubbing against the soft skin.

Logan stiffened under his touch and jerked away. “Don’t,” he warned and James let his hand drop down into his lap as Logan moved away, sliding across the couch until a whole other person could’ve fit between them.

James’ eyes started to burn and he blinked back the tears quickly, reaching up with both hands to press the heels of his palms against his closed eyes. When he lowered his hands, Logan was watching him carefully, looking torn between comforting James and keeping his distance. It only made James want to cry more.

“I’m sorry,” James mumbled, looking away. He pushed himself up and tried to walk to his room, but he bumped into the table on the way. One of the chairs clattered to the ground and James jumped at the noise, falling back in the process. He landed hard on the floor and winced.

Logan approached, a heavy sigh escaping between his lips as he kneeled down next to James. James looked up at him as Logan grabbed him by the arm and helped him back to his feet. 

“You’re going to wake Mrs. Knight and Katie if you keep that up,” he said softly, wrapping James’ arm around his shoulder.

James couldn’t help but grin as he leaned against Logan, enjoying the warmth and support as much as he could. “Come on, Logan, you know Mama Knight sleeps like the dead.”

Logan chuckled then shook his head. “Well, I guess you’re right about that, but still. We don’t want her waking up and seeing you like this.”

James leaned down close to Logan’s ear and whispered hotly. “Gonna put me to bed then, Logie?” 

He felt Logan shudder slightly against him before he was leaning as far away from James as he could without actually moving away.

“James,” he said in that same warning tone as before.

James sighed and straightened. “Sorry,” he mumbled again, shoulders drooping. He quickly tried to change the subject, saying the first thing that came to mind. “But this _is_ your fault, ya know.”

Logan stopped, pulling away slightly to look up at James in disbelief. “My fault? How is this _my_ fault?”

“If you’d just come to the party, like you _said_ you would,” James said accusingly. “You could’ve stopped me from drinking so much.”

Logan gaped at James for a moment before he huffed out a laugh and shook his head. “Yeah, right,” he said, scoffing softly. “More like you would’ve gotten me drunk as well and no one would be around to put us to bed.”

James grinned again. “Yeah, you’re prolly right,” he said, leaning more of his weight against Logan just to feel Logan’s arm tighten around his waist as Logan adjusted his grip.

They somehow made it up to James’ room where James immediately let go of Logan and flopped back onto his bed. He let out a soft sigh and offered his foot to Logan. “Take off my shoes.”

He grinned when Logan rolled his eyes, but still reached over to tug James’ shoe off. He tossed it to the side and James wriggled his socked toes before he lifted his other foot so Logan could remove that shoe as well.

“There, happy now?” Logan asked when he dropped the shoe to the floor to join the other. 

James grinned but shook his head. “Not yet,” he said and hooked his leg behind Logan’s knees, sitting up just enough to grab the front of Logan’s shirt and pull him down.

Logan’s eyes widened in surprise and he let out a small yell as he fell forward. He caught himself so he didn’t land completely on James, hands holding himself up on either side of James’ head. James’ grin widened and he wrapped his arms around Logan’s waist, tangling their legs.

“James, what are you doing?” Logan asked, trying to push himself off James.

James tightened his hold on Logan. “You should stay with me this time,” he whispered softly, licking his lips quickly, eyes fixed on Logan’s mouth. All he could think about was kissing Logan, and without thinking about it further, he tried to do just that. 

“Don’t,” Logan said, turning his face away so James’ lips met Logan’s cheek instead.

“Come on, Logan,” James said, nuzzling the side of Logan’s face and pressing kisses along his cheek down to his jaw. He felt Logan take a deep shuddery breath when James’ mouth met Logan’s neck, teeth scraping gently against the skin.

Logan swallowed thickly and tried to pull away. “Stop, James, you’re drunk.”

James tightened his grip on Logan, keeping him in place. “Not that drunk,” he mumbled, wrapping his mouth around Logan’s earlobe, biting down softly. 

Logan moaned low in his throat and it was the best sound James had ever heard. He wanted to lay Logan down and discover all the places on his body that made him moan like that.

Logan pressed his forehead against James’ shoulder. “Don’t do this to me again, James…please,” he begged softly.

It was the last word that made James pause, spoken softly, sad and broken. It caused a deep ache in James’ chest knowing that he was the reason Logan sounded like that. He closed his eyes tight against the guilt and disappointment and released his hold on Logan, letting his arms slide down onto the mattress.

James turned his face away and Logan immediately rolled off. He felt the mattress move as Logan climbed off and finally turned his head to look at Logan. He had his back to James but his shoulders were heaving and James could hear him breathing heavily. 

“I’m sorry,” James mumbled, hands coming up to cover his face.

“Yeah, you keep saying that,” Logan said softly over his shoulder, head turned slightly.

James closed his eyes and listened as Logan quickly left the room, the soft click of his door closing signaling that he was now alone. He sighed heavily and stared up at the ceiling from between his fingers. What was wrong with him? Why did he keep making things worse?

He let out a small frustrated groan and slammed his fist against the mattress. He wanted to cry but didn’t think he could manage it anymore, so he wiggled around his bed until he was under the blankets and pulled them over his head. He didn’t want to think about this anymore, he didn’t want to care. He just wanted to sleep and forget about everything.

—

When James woke up the next morning, he found a bottle of water and a couple of aspirin sitting on his bedside table. Probably Carlos again, but a small part hoped it was Logan’s doing. 

He let out a small groan at the thought of Logan and buried his face into his pillow. He knew he had just made things worse with Logan the night before and he wasn’t sure if he could ever make it right again.

With another groan, he sat up slowly, gingerly picked up the two small pills and swallowed them down with a couple gulps of water. 

Afterward, he lay back down, pulling the covers over his head. He didn’t want to face the day yet, especially if it involved seeing Logan. He was just going to lay in bed as long as he could and hope everything would just go away and fix themselves on their own.

He fell back to sleep almost immediately and was jostled awake some time later by Kendall pulling the blankets away from his face. “James! Wake up!”

James groaned and swung his arm blindly, hoping to smack Kendall in the face. Kendall easily swatted his hand away with a laugh. 

“Move over,” Kendall said, shoving at James’ shoulder. 

James groaned again and wiggled over, opening one bleary eye when he felt the bed dip next to him. He saw Kendall leaning back against the wall, legs stretched out in front of him.

“What do you want?” James mumbled, closing his eye and burying his face back into his pillow.

There was a long moment of silence that James knew would soon be broken by whatever Kendall had to say. James wasn’t sure he wanted to hear it but he also knew he wouldn’t have a choice.

“So, Logan told me what happened last night.”

James groaned into his pillow and wondered if he could just smother himself and get it over with. Maybe Kendall would help if he asked.

Kendall chuckled softly and the bed shifted slightly as he leaned over James. “Do you want my advice?”

James sighed and turned onto his side to look up at Kendall. “I’m sure you’re going to give it to me whether I want it or not,” he muttered.

Kendall chuckled and punched James in the shoulder lightly. “Try kissing Logan when you’re _not_ drunk, asshole.”

James looked up at Kendall in surprise. “What?” he asked dumbly because, really, _what_? 

That hadn’t been what he’d been expecting. He had expected a lecture on ‘No Means No’ or just a general warning about completely ruining his and Logan’s already tenuous friendship but not _that_.

“Just try it and find out,” Kendall said, patting him on the shoulder before squeezing it gently.

James stared at Kendall dumbfounded as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and got to his feet.

“Hey, wait-” James called out but Kendall ignored him on his way out of the room, slamming the door to cut James off.

James winced softly then sighed, pulling the blankets over his head. As much as he would love to kiss Logan, anytime, anywhere, Logan had already said he didn’t feel the same about James so why would he want James to kiss him? He had pushed James away again last night, too. James didn’t see how him being sober would have made a difference.

James scoffed and burrowed further into his blankets, deciding to ignore Kendall’s “advice”. 

Kendall was stupid, after all. What did he know?

—

James woke up for a third time late in the afternoon. He lay in bed for a while, before deciding to get up because he needed a shower and some food, also he really needed to pee. 

He was relieved to find the apartment empty when he ventured downstairs, clean clothes clutched to his chest. He didn’t want to deal with the others, especially Logan. He didn’t know what to say to him. He had only made things worse the night before and he wouldn’t be surprised if everything between them was completely ruined now. 

He wondered if he really should stop trying like Logan told him to, but he didn’t want to stop trying. Logan was too important to James to just give up on. He’d find a way to make things right. He just needed time to think about everything. 

He hoped a long hot shower would help but it didn’t. All he could think about was the way Logan had sounded the night before, the way he’d pulled away and flinched at James’ touch and he felt just as lost and miserable when he got out.

He dried off and dressed quickly, stomach rumbling with hunger. He placed his hand over his stomach and sighed. Maybe he needed to eat first, he thought as he turned towards the door. He pulled it open and paused, heart suddenly hammering in his chest. 

Logan was in the kitchen, looking in the fridge and James had to stop himself from slamming the door shut. He forced himself to step into the kitchen, closing the door behind him to lean against it, eyes still trained on Logan.

Logan’s attention had snapped towards him at the sound of the door closing. He stared at James with wide, surprised eyes. He looked scared and ready to bolt and James felt the guilt grip him once more, knowing he was the cause of Logan’s unease. 

“Hey,” James greeted tentatively, lips twitching into a nervous smile.

“Um, hey,” Logan replied softly, looking away.

James took in the tense line of Logan’s shoulders, the unreadable expression on his face and decided to push his luck anyway. 

“What’s up?” he asked, licking his lips quickly. 

For a long moment, Logan was silent and James wasn’t sure if Logan was going to bother answering him. 

“Um, lunch,” Logan said at last, reaching up to run his hand over the back of his head. “I missed breakfast.”

“Oh…me too,” James said, rubbing his hands together nervously. He didn’t know how much he could push before Logan started to shut him out again. So far he was surprised Logan was even talking to him at all. 

Logan looked at James for another long moment. “You want me to make you something?” he offered hesitantly. 

James’ raised his eyebrows in surprise at the question. That was definitely more than James had been expecting from Logan. He didn’t try to question it though. 

“What are you going to make?”

“I was thinking of making a sandwich but I could make something else if you want,” Logan said, shrugging.

James shook his head. “No, that’s fine. A sandwich sounds great,” he said, trying to smile again. He took it as a good sign that Logan was still talking to him but he didn’t let himself hope too much.

Logan nodded and James watched as he grabbed everything out of the fridge that he needed.

“Do you need any help?” James asked, taking a small step forward.

Logan glanced at him as he placed everything on the counter. “Uh, can you grab some plates? And I guess some chips.”

James nodded. “Sure thing,” he said, and walked over to the cabinets, grabbing two plates and setting them down on the counter next to Logan. 

Logan nodded at him in acknowledgment but otherwise kept his gaze down at the counter. 

James watched Logan for a moment before he busied himself by grabbing the bag of chips from the pantry and setting it on the counter as well. 

"What do you want to drink?" He asked hovering over Logan's shoulder. 

Logan jumped slightly, turning his head to look up at James in surprise. "Oh, um, water's fine.”

James nodded again and moved away to the fridge, grabbing two bottles of water. He set them down next to the chips and leaned against the counter watching Logan finish their sandwiches. 

He still didn’t know what to say but he felt like he should say _something_. He bit his bottom lip and kept quiet until Logan was finished. He didn’t want to say anything until he was absolutely sure Logan was willing to listen to him. 

Logan slid James’ plate over when he finished and grabbed his own, walking around the counter to sit at the table. James quickly grabbed his plate and did the same, sitting down next to Logan. 

They ate in silence for a few moments before James finally spoke up. “So, was it you that left the aspirin and water this morning?” he asked, trying to start a conversation with Logan. 

Logan froze for a moment before he nodded, ducking his head. “I figured you’d need them,” he said, shrugging stiffly.

James smiled gently, unable to stop the hope swelling in his chest now. Maybe he hadn’t ruined everything between them after all. 

“Thanks,” he said softly, picking at the crust of his sandwich.

Logan shook his head gently. “Someone’s gotta take care of you,” he muttered with another shrug.

James was quiet for a moment, chest swelling with affection for Logan. “Well, I’m glad it’s you,” James said, his smile growing.

Logan looked up at James sharply, an unreadable expression on his face. Normally it would have put James off, made him feel like he'd said the wrong thing. But not this time. He was determined to make Logan realize just how much James felt for him. 

“You’re the only one I want taking care of me, Logan,” he continued softly. 

“James, stop," Logan said sounding uncomfortable. He shifted in his seat, subtly moving his plate away from James'. 

“No, I won’t stop. I mean it!” James said, reaching over to grab Logan’s hand. "I know I keep screwing things up between us and I’m sorry, okay? I never should’ve pushed you that night or last night. I just- I just keep hoping that someday you’ll push back instead of running away.”

Logan was silent, watching James with that same unreadable expression on his face. 

James sighed, looking away “I just want us to be friends again.”

Logan sighed after a few more moments of silence. “I can’t, James,” he said, looking away. 

James jerked back in surprise, breath catching in his throat. “Why not?”

Logan breathed in shakily and licked his lips nervously. “Because I don’t want to be friends anymore,” he said quietly, turning in his seat to face James.

For a split second James felt his heart break again at Logan’s words, before Logan was grabbing him by the front of his shirt and pulling him forward, lips crashing against James’. James let out a muffled grunt at the force of the kiss, eyes widening in surprise. 

Before James could do anything, Logan pulled away looking up at James with wide, scared eyes.

James licked his lips, staring at Logan. “What?” He asked dumbfounded. 

“What?” Logan repeated dumbly, then looked away, a blush rising to his cheeks. 

James had to fight back a grin. He didn't want to read too much into it even though it was hard to misread a kiss. “You...You kissed me,” he accused, speaking slowly. 

Logan nodded, keeping his face turned away. “Um, yeah, I did..."

“Why?” He didn’t know why he was asking. Did it really matter why Logan kissed him? The answer was yes, it really did matter since Logan acted like he didn’t want anything to do with James just the night before. 

“I don’t- I don’t know,” Logan said, shrugging awkwardly. He turned his gaze towards James, a sheepish expression on his face. “Because I wanted to?”

“But you said…” James trailed off because now that he was thinking about it, what _did_ Logan say all those weeks ago?

_“I’m sorry, James.”_

Sorry didn’t mean no but it might as well have been for all James had cared at the time. All that had mattered was that Logan wasn’t saying _yes_.

Logan sighed and shook his head. “I was…confused at first. I didn’t know what I felt and then…” he trailed off and exhaled sharply. “Then I was just afraid, I guess…”

“Afraid of what?”

Logan looked down briefly before returning his eyes to James’. “You,” he admitted softly, swallowing. 

James blinked and look at him in bewilderment. “Me? Why me?”

Logan sighed and looked down again. He licked his lips quickly before raising his gaze back to James. “Because it’s different with you. With Kendall, we were just messing around, experimenting. I was the dumb one that fell in love. But with you…” he sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know. If you ever got tired of me, or decided you didn’t want me anymore. I don’t think I could get over that…”

James listened to Logan quietly then he chuckled. “You’re stupid,” he said, a smirk spreading across his face as Logan’s eyes snapped up to stare at him wide-eyed.

“What?”

“Logan, this isn’t something that just happened one day. I’ve liked you for a long time,” James explained, smirk softening to a small smile. 

“You have?” Logan asked, eyes still wide in surprise. 

James nodded. “When I thought there was something wrong with me because I liked both girls and boys and you just laughed that annoying know-it-all laugh of yours and told me that a lot of people were bi and it was completely normal. You always have the answers. You always make things better.”

Logan stared at him, lips parted causing a warm flood of affection to spread through James’ body. Unable to stop himself, he leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to the corner of Logan’s mouth. “You’re not exactly the easiest person to like Logan, but I do.”

“James…” Logan swallowed thickly and reached up, hands burying in James’ hair as he slotted their mouths together.

James placed on hand on Logan’s shoulder, cupping the side of Logan’s face with the other as he returned the kiss. He ran his tongue along Logan’s bottom lip eagerly, heart skipping a beat when Logan didn’t pull away but instead parted his lips for James, tongue coming out to meet James’ hesitantly. 

James let out a small moan, squeezing Logan’s shoulder gently as he pulled him closer. He could’ve kept going like that, could’ve dragged Logan upstairs to his room and made up for lost time, but he forced himself to pull away instead. 

“So, what happens now?” James panted, pressing his forehead against Logan’s, gaze focused on Logan’s mouth. He watched as Logan licked his lips quickly and mimicked the action.

“What do you want to happen?” Logan whispered back.

James pulled away slightly, just enough to look into Logan’s eyes. “You know what I want, Logan. What do _you_ want?”

Logan licked his lips again and looked away. “I don’t know, James. I really don’t. I wish I knew. I know…I know I love you and I want you but…”

“But what? Isn’t that enough?”

“I don’t know!” Logan let out a frustrated sigh and shook his head. “It feels like we’re doing this all backwards...”

“Then why don’t we start over?”

“What? James, that’s-”

“Dumb?” James finished, cutting Logan off. He knew it was a long shot, but he was willing to do it if Logan was. He could forget how much Logan had hurt thim the past few weeks if it meant that he finally got to be with Logan. 

“Well, yeah. We can’t just pretend none of this ever happened. We tried that already, remember?”

“Sure we can,” James said and leaned in closer. “We’re best friends. I like you and you like me so let’s go out.”

“Just like that?”

“Yeah, what else is there?”

“Well, first we have to consider how this will effect Big Time Rush. We should probably talk to the other guys about this and Gustavo and maybe even Griffin.”

“Okay and we’ll get to that but first, do you want to go out with me?” James watched Logan swallow convulsively. He held his breath, heart thudding almost painfully in his chest as he waited for Logan’s answer.

Logan licked his lips quickly and took a deep breath. “I don’t-”

“Yes or no are the only answers I’ll take. And you’ve already said no once," James said holding up one finger. 

Logan huffed out a laugh and rolled his eyes a bit. “Okay, then fine, yes. I do want to go out with you, James but-”

James reached out and pressed his finger against Logan’s mouth to stop him. “No buts. That’s all I care about, Logan.”

Logan knocked his hand away from his mouth but didn’t try to finish his sentence. Instead he said, “It’s not going to be easy, James.”

“I know, but I don’t care as long as it means I can be with you,” James said, leaning forward to kiss Logan. His heart skipped a beat when Logan returned it, hand resting against his chest over his heart. 

He knew Logan was going to want to talk more later. And he knew that it wasn’t going to be easy being in a relationship while trying to be famous. They were going to have to decide who to tell and who not to tell, how they should act in public. 

It was going to be hard but it would be worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! *throws confetti* Sorry there wasn't any smut. There was originally supposed to be smut but then I had to cut it when I changed some things so :/ maybe next time~


End file.
